


Gate Crash

by salamanderinspace



Category: Jupiter Ascending (2015)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alcazar, Crack, Gen, GirlIToldYa!AU, Jupiter Ascending Fic Challenge, Rescue, Very Mild Homoerotic Flirting, crackish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 16:35:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4673759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salamanderinspace/pseuds/salamanderinspace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kalique is trapped in Balem's alcazar.  Jupiter Jones to the rescue!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gate Crash

“The inner door is locked," said Jupiter. A little holo-speaker and mouthpiece hovered around her neck like a flirtatious mosquito. The volume was turned up too high; Jupiter didn't know how to adjust it. “Do you have Balem’s password?" 

“Of course,” Kalique’s voice blasted through the two-way communicator. “He hasn’t changed it for ages. Old man! When will he upgrade to a seal reader?”

“Kalique, give me the code,” Jupiter hissed. Her whisper swelled with a sense of urgency, echoing 'round the glassy mezzanine and down into the cathedral-style atrium below. She took a deep breath and listened; there was nothing but the sound of her beating heart. Were the guards still sleeping? If she could get through this door without detection, it'd be a miracle worthy of the surrounding stained glass.  
\  
Jupiter squinted at the keypad before her. The shimmering, jewel-like letters alternated between roman and cyrillic.

"Kalique, are you reading me? I need you to spell out the password. Now!"

"C-L-Y-T-E-M-N-E-"

"Shhh! Keep it down!" Jupiter muttered. "You're right in my ear, ok?"

"Oh, Jupiter. I _do_ apologize." Kalique's voice pulsed with static. "You need not continue on, you know. I am only anxious. Balem is in one of his moods. I truly doubt he will permit me to leave."

"Since when do you need his permission?"

"Since he instructed the Sargorns to lock me in the bathroom of his alcazar."

"Ok." Jupiter took another steadying breath. She’d arrived in the Pleiades less than an hour ago, after receiving a distressing FTL from Maledictes. “URGENT,” it read. “BALEM’S ALCAZAR. KALIQUE INSIDE. SENDING TRANSPORT.” Jupiter knew it was probably a trap. With Caine away on a mission and the Aegis out of reach, Jupiter was without backup. She didn’t entirely understand the situation she was walking into but she couldn’t just ignore Kalique’s predicament. _No one deserves to be stuck with Balem forever,_ Jupiter decided. "Ok. I'm coming to get you. Just say the password again, really slowly."

"C-L-Y-T-E-M-N-" Jupiter keyed the word in the tiny crystals and the door slid open. The room appeared to be a cross between an elegant gallery an eerie laboratory. Bottom-lit display cases stood around the space like glass cylinders. Some were adorned with alien writing; many were filled with chilly, rolling pockets of fog. A long, stainless steel table gleamed in the center of the room.

Jupiter hurried across the threshold; the door closed and locked behind her with a whoosh.

“All clear,” Jupiter whispered to Kalique. As relieved as she was to be alone and Sargorn-free, Jupiter found something about the stillness deeply unnerving. “What _is_ this place?”

“Balem’s pantry, I believe,” Kalique mused. “He is fond of multi-functional design. The sitting room is also a board room, the pantry is also a dining area…”

“People eat here?” Jupiter raised an eyebrow. “It’s so dark and weird.”

“As are my brothers. Now Jupiter. Go straight through to the end and take the door on the left.”

“Ok.” Spine tingling, Jupiter strode uncomfortably past the refrigerated display cases. “Ok. Door on the left. Hold on, I’m entering a hallway type thing.” The hall was decorated with plush velvet chairs and half a dozen blind corners. Jupiter’s fingers closed nervously over the tranq pistol she was carrying. She snuck far enough down the hall to determine that most of the doors were closed. _No guards!_ Quickly and carefully, Jupiter paced six more steps and stopped before a pair of double doors. She tried the handle; it was locked.

“What now?" 

“The next room has a motion detector. You will have to find and disable the five hidden triggers before the alarm goes off. There will not be much time."

"Hidden triggers? Are you serious? What do they look like?"

"Small," Kalique answered. "Smooth and round, with written instructions on them."

"Great," Jupiter sighed. “It’s писанка.”

“Come again?” Kalique chirped.

“Russian tradition. We paint eggs with wax and hide them around the house. Then, the girls hunt for the eggs and the boys chase the girls with switches cut from trees.”

“Ahh! Such… historic customs.” Jupiter ignored the huff of judgment in Kalique’s remark. She raised her pistol and prepared to kick the double doors. _Just think about Easter,_ Jupiter told herself. _You don’t need to break into Balem Abrasax’s space mansion. You just need to be faster than Vladdie…_

“All right, here goes,” Jupiter said. “Three, two, one…”

BANG! Jupiter’s gravitationally-enhanced boot connected with the door in a flash of light. She flung herself into the unknown space and did a quick visual sweep; the room was some kind of conservatory. Two massive, blood-red rhododendra choked the entryway. Brushing aside the branches, Jupiter spotted the first trigger. She wasted no time scanning for Sargorn. She lunged.

“Got one!” she gasped into the headset. The device was a little longer than an egg, but lighter.

“Quickly, Jupiter!” Kalique instructed. “Smash it on the ground! Then find the others.”

Jupiter crushed the thing under her boot and scrambled blindly toward a spate of strange vegetables. She found a second trigger in something like a kumquat bush. Reaching the third was tricky; thorns and nettles of curved, purplish cacti scored her arms.

“Jupiter, hurry!” Kalique urged. Jupiter scooped up the third trigger and broke it apart. The fourth was nowhere to be found. Jupiter crawled through the dirt under a hefty fern; she emptied urns and baskets onto the floor. She began to panic. 

“Come on come on, where are you?!” Jupiter cried. Suddenly, a rhythmic whirring sound drew her attention across the room.  
Blood freezing in her veins, Jupiter turned. She expected to see Mr. Greegan, 10 feet tall and leather clad; instead she saw a metallic sphere hovering through the air, slowly rotating. It reached the foliage nearest Jupiter and stopped. Cracking open, it ejected a nozzle and began to spray water onto the plants nearby.

“Kalique, there’s some kind of sprinkler drone,” Jupiter hissed. “Why doesn’t it set off the motion detector?”

“Ahhhh, hmm, excellent,” Jupiter could have sworn that Kalique sounded vaguely disappointed. “The watering must be on a schedule. The field will be disabled. Seems you’ve caught a lucky break. Proceed to the next room.”

More than a little wary, Jupiter found a pair of arched doors with heavy, silver knockers. “What’s in the next room?”

“There should be an antechamber,” Kalique said, “and then the bathroom where I am waiting.”

"Waiting? Don't you mean _being kept prisoner?_ " Jupiter cracked the massive door and stepped onto buffed marble tile.

"Kalique, what are you…?" The Lady Abrasax was sitting in an oversized bathtub. It was elegant, clawfooted and full of crystal clear liquid--regular water, Jupiter was certain, though Kalique was looking especially youthful. Her hair was damp and ringletted; her make-up was curiously unmussed. One fair hand casually toyed with a communicator device. The other dangled over a glass of ruby-colored drink. Jupiter could not help but notice that, despite soaking in water, Kalique wore an elaborately embellished ballgown.

"Oh my God. Have you been in the BATH this whole time?!" 

"It seemed the best way to keep occupied." Kalique set down her communicator and folded her arms over the side of the tub coquestishly. The room filled with the sucking sound of wet fabric on water. The gown was embroidered silk; it was observably transparent when completely soaked-through.

"Kalique, WHERE are the Sargorns?"

"Well, I have absolutely no idea." 

Jupiter balked. "Are you being kept prisoner, or not?"

"Not precisely, but--" 

"I thought you were in real trouble!"

“And so you came to save me!" Kalique beamed. "Like a knight in a tale of chivalry." Her smile faded as her gaze migrated into memory. "Mother never would have."

Jupiter felt a pang of pity that was entirely overwhelmed by irritation. "Well, of course I came to save you. I _thought_ you were _REALLY_ in trouble. But you're not, so..." 

"Oh, Jupiter. You have come all this way! You simply _MUST_ stay for a bit. Have a bath---or we could watch a film?" Kalique waived a hand. A sheet of laser-textured lettering appeared about six inches from Jupiter's face. Still unacclimatized to holo-screens popping out of thin air, Jupiter flinched. "I get all the earth channels, you know."

"I'm sure that's very impressive," Jupiter replied. "But I get tv at home, thanks." She turned to leave. A few steps before reaching the doors to the antechamber, she stopped herself. Jupiter needed to know. "Why are you wearing a dress in the tub?"

Kalique shrugged. "It pleases me. I can remove it, if you would feel more comfortable?"

"No no no! I have to get home!" Jupiter stole one last look at the bathroom. It _was_ pretty impressive. There was a bar, a chandelier, and a waterfall. Tiny, iridescent birds hopped to and fro on jade-fronded palms. At the end of the room, one large wall was covered in fractal windows, all looking out on space.

"Miraculous, aren't they?" Kalique said softly. "The Pleiades, as you can only see them here. The atmosphere is so thin here, Jupiter, there is so much I could show you…"

"I guess that’s pretty cool." Jupiter tried to tear her gaze away, but she hesitated. She was tired and thirsty from the adrenaline high. A moment passed. Then another moment. Patterns of uncharted stars glittered, technicolor and strange, outside the bathroom window. Jupiter sighed. 

"I guess I can stay for a few minutes."

**Author's Note:**

> This work was inspired by [Jupiter Ascending Fic Challenge #1](http://fuckyeahjupiterascending.tumblr.com/post/126770983070/jupiter-ascending-fic-challenge-1-pick-n-mix) and by [ridiculous lesbian music videos.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLHfFlYZkzI)


End file.
